QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
Question: What is domestic violence?
Answer: Domestic violence is a pattern of one partner controlling another through threats and abuse. It is a learned behavior; it can be unlearned if the abuser takes responsibility for his/her actions and seeks help. This broad definition can alert you to the early signs of escalating emotional and verbal brutality found in domestic violence, even before you witness or suffer a physical assault.

Domestic violence is abuse by one's partner/spouse or ex-partner/spouse. It can be:

  • Emotional/Verbal: name-calling, threats, isolation...
  • Physical: pushing, slapping, kicking, strangling, burning, use of weapons or objects...
  • Sexual: unwanted touching, false accusations, sexual put-downs, rape...

Question: What is Sexual Violence?
Answer: Sexual violence is any verbal and/or physical act which breaks a person's trust and/or safety and is sexual in nature. Sexual violence includes:
  • Rape
  • Incest
  • Child sexual assault
  • Ritual abuse
  • Marital, date & stranger rape
  • Sexual harassment
  • Exposure & voyeurism

Question: Who are the victims?
Answer: Men and women who are married and unmarried, wealthy and low-income, gay, straight and lesbian, young and old, spanning all religious, ethnic and racial groups. Approximately 85% of reported victims of domestic violence and 98% of reported victims of sexual assault are women.

Question: Who are the abusers?

Answer: Men and women from any walk of life. Abusers can be friendly, solidly employed and churchgoers. Red flags include: jealousy, explosive temper, constant criticism, difficulty expressing feelings, controlling behavior, childhood exposure to abuse destruction of property, threats and physically abusive acts.

Question: How widespread is it?
Answer: Domestic violence and sexual assault affect all people regardless of age, race, occupation or sex. In the U.S., every seven seconds a woman is beaten and every two minutes a woman is raped. In El Dorado County, police and sheriff officers responded to 45 sexual assaults and 801 domestic violence calls in 1998. Nationally, one in three girls will be sexually assaulted by the time they turn eighteen, and a woman is assaulted by her partner every nine seconds. In the Sacramento area, domestic violence is reported to police every hour, 365 days a year.

Question: What is Rape Trauma Syndrome?
Answer: If you have been sexually assaulted, you may at first feel: numb, afraid, shamed, guilty and confused. You may have problems sleeping, including nightmares, and have a loss of appetite/nausea, etc.

Later, you may also feel: angry, depressed and/or anxious. These are normal feelings after a sexual assault.

Question: How can I identify domestic violence in my community?
Answer: Identifying verbal abuse or physical violence is simple. But be alert to indirect evidence of domestic violence so that intervention can occur as early and safely as possible. Is someone you know:
  • Afraid of his/her partner?
  • Constantly apologizing for his/her partner's behavior?
  • Unable to go out with friends or family because of his/her partner's jealousy?
  • Ever forced to have sex?
  • Denied money or barred from getting a job?
  • Threatened with arrest or being reported to the authorities by his/her partner?
  • Hit, kicked, shoved or had things thrown at him/her? Ever been kept from leaving a room by being blocked at a doorway?

Question: Is there a pattern to it?
Answer: Domestic violence is not an isolated event. Each incident builds on what has happened before and the abuse becomes more frequent and severe. Remember, it is not about anger, drunkenness or drugs but about control of a partner. The violence is not always physical. It can include:
  • Verbal abuse that humiliates or demeans;
  • Emotional abuse like threats, stalking, extreme jealousy, controlling behavior and isolation from others;
  • Economic abuse that traps a partner in poverty or debt, prevents a partner from working or having access to money;
  • Sexual abuse, including forced sex, harsh sexual criticism, and flagrant public "cheating";
  • Physical abuse like hitting, strangling, kicking, pinching, hair-pulling, arm-twisting, tripping, biting, restraining, shoving or using weapons.
All are harmful to the victim and his/her children. (Half of households where domestic violence occurs are also scenes of child abuse.)

Question: What is the Cycle of Violence?
Phase 1: Tension Victim feels: angry, tense, afraid and depressed
Partner feels: tense, frustrated and irritable. Verbal abuse and silence often follow.
Phase 2: Explosion Victim feels: frightened, helpless and numb.
Partner feels: angry, dangerously violent, and vacillates between Dr. Jekyll and Mr/Ms Hyde.
Phase 3: Honeymoon Victim feels: relieved, angry and resentful.
Partner feels: apologetic and is charming and promises to change.

Victims and experts report that:

  • Over time, the abuse occurs more often and usually becomes more violent
  • The abuse usually does not stop unless help is received
  • The cycle of violence exists in almost every abusive relationship

You have a RIGHT to not be battered or sexually assaulted. When someone is physically or sexually abusive to you, they are committing a crime, even if they are your spouse or intimate partner.

Question: Is domestic violence a crime?
Answer: Physical assault and battery are crimes no matter where they take place-on the street or in the home. So are harassment, stalking and sexual assault. Abusers are arrested and jailed. Law enforcement agencies in our area consider domestic violence a very serious crime and hold perpetrators accountable for their actions.

Question: Is there ever any excuse?
Answer: Batterers often come up with excuses and frequently blame the victim, deny the abuse and minimize the severity of their violence. There is never an excuse for abusing anyone and no possible reason for brutality or coercion in a "loving" relationship. We all get angry at people we care for. But domestic violence tends to swing between brutality and "making up," with the level of abuse always rising. It is all about control, not equality.

Question: What can I do if I believe someone I know is experiencing domestic violence?
Answer: If you believe someone is in physical danger, call 911-just as you'd want someone to do for you. If you suspect that someone is trapped in a pattern of domestic violence, call our crisis line at 530-626-1131 or (916) 939-6616 for insight and advice. You need not give your name. The staff at the hotline can help you think through what to say or do to help the victim find safety.

It's important when you are concerned about someone not to start planning a rescue or escape for him/her. Ask how s/he is (rather than tell him/her what YOU think is going on.) Don't criticize his/her partner. Offer a bridge--let him/her know you are there to listen. Call the crisis line (530) 626-1131 or (916) 939-6616. We can help.

Question: What do I do if I'm ready to leave an abusive relationship?
Answer: AS best you can, take your
  • driver's license
  • court orders
  • restraining orders
  • birth certificates
  • police reports
  • money
  • bank books
  • credit cards
  • ATM cards
  • house and car keys
  • medications
  • social security cards
  • children's clothing and small toys
  • eyeglasses and/or contact lenses
.

(If you have to leave without your personal effects or documents, you can contact law enforcement to request a civil standby to return to your home for these items. ) Call our crisis line at (530) 626-1131 or (916) 939-6616.
We can help.

Question: What do I do when I'm not sure what I want to do?
Answer: Call our crisis line at (530) 626-1131 or (916) 939-6616. We can help.

Question: What do I do when I want to stop being abusive to my partner and may not feel able to do so?
Answer: Call our crisis line at (530) 626-1131 or (916) 939-6616. We can help.